In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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