Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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