hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
