How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
