I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
