my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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