Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
