Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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