The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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