i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
