something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
