so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
