I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
