we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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