She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
