We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
