Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
