Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
