just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
