Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
