i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
