I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
