We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
