there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
