I have demons in me.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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