I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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