I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
