Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
