My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
