there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
