The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
