Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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