it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I believe in your delicious
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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