Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
