mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
