My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
