The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
