She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
