1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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