I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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