The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
