last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
