I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
