Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
