she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
