I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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