I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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