I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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