as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
