she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
