how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found a bag of teeth...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
