He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
